Hey everyone! I would like to know if I where to add my photo's as prints would anyone want to buy them? please be honest I don't mind either way just interested. Thanks ^^

In loving memory...

Well don’t I have news for you guys! Should I start at the beginning of this story? Well the best place would be Me and Michael have been together for 2 months and I was thinking too far ahead of my life and wanting the home with him and the family, but at the same time I wanted time with him to find out weather or not we would be happy for a long time. So when I was late on (most women will know how scary that feels) I took a test to make sure nothing was wrong. However I was at work when I took it then I freaked out (Wednesday 30st April 2008) I told Michael straight away and we talked about what to do. We talked about both the good and the bad sides of the child and decided for the best that we couldn’t keep it.

Next chapter of this tale is the part when we had to tell our parents about what has happened. We both told our mums on the same Thursday (8/5/2008) and on that day I also told my dad who also needed to know. My dad was really happy and was planning my future with Michael and the baby. He opened a bottle of champagne and called Michael down to celebrate the start of a new life with me, Michael and baby Mills/Henderson (which might have been named Samantha or Coal). But the next day I broke down and came to terms what was really going on. I can’t be a mother just yet, I had so much planed for me and Michael, so much of our future I wanted to share with just him not this new added person. As much as I love my child that was growing inside me, created by both mine and Michael’s love I know right now was not the time to be thinking of having children.

The hospital appointment and the scan was the next point of call, any who knows me knows that I hate hospitals. I can’t tell you why totally because I don’t know myself, all I know is I hate sitting there and have someone talk down to me and make me feel like crap. We where at Shotley Bridge hospital (16/5/2008) where firstly we talked to a nice lady wanting to know what we where planning on doing and the reasons behind it, told her what she needed and waited for the scan. When the time came and we went into a room where I lay down on a bed like table and the lady doc rubbed cold gel on my tummy then moved the ultrasound machine over my tummy, she looked at monitor and shook her head slightly and said “5 week and 5 days gone.” Michael had looked at the screen, while I couldn’t the way I was lying (so wanted a photo but was too scared to ask for one). After the scan we waited to see another lady who would be the last and would give me the medical method of abortion. We talked about what it would do to me and that I would need to go to Bishop Auckland Hospital that following Monday for a day visit to take more pills that will kill the baby and break down the womb/babies home and flush it out of me for good. I took the first one there with Michael knowing that was the start of a slow death for out child.

pause here, while I gather myself)

Here is the hard part; we woke early because we needed to be there for 8am (Monday 19th May 2008 – Black Death day). I didn’t want to go, not just because I hated hospitals but I didn’t want to lose my child but I had already started poisoning it with the pill on Friday so I had to continue it through or I was doing nothing but making it worse for me and my body now. We got there with good time and I was shown my room, it was one side alone from the rest of the ward quiet and out of the way a nice way to spend time thinking of what I was about to do. At 8am the nurse came in and gave me the 4 pills that would start and end it all. I hurt, it hurt like hell! Emotional, physically, I didn’t want to be there doing it but at 12:58pm roughly I saw my dead baby, come from me to and brown card board dish and I called a nurse in to take my child away to go with the rest to then to be cremated at Bishop Auckland crematorium. I left that hospital feeling at my lowest.

No one has seen or heard me like this because I don’t know how to respond to them when they ask the question; “Well why did you do it if you didn’t want to in the first place?” But I needed an out let for this pain so I thought by typing it all down here will help. You don’t have to comment and even show any feelings towards me because right now I hate myself for what I’ve done but I know somewhere in my heart I couldn’t have coped and the baby would have had a hard life trying to win my love.

So I’m sorry if this journal has upset people but I just hope you can understand why I did it.
“To my baby I’m sorry I love you more then anything, love you forever, Mummy XxX”

FIN

SW XxX

Thought of the journal;

"Live life, love all!"

My friends ^^


Clubs I'm in.